Rant on my mother.
I woke up this morning with a feeling that I’d have a really great day. My mom ruined that little hope but thank god I work so I can get out of here for a little while. I know I sound petty and whiny but I’m completely done with her treating me like crap and me just sitting there and taking it to be respectful. I mean, does someone deserve your respect if they spend every moment with you degrading you for anything they can find? The fact I could never be good enough for her is an understatement, so why do I even bother to try? Because she’s my mother is not an excuse. You choose your family, you are not born to it. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. No one should be forced to give someone the excuse of “they’re family” if they treat you any less than you deserve to be treated.
Today, she was harassing me for multiple things but one of them was that I was spoiled. Yes, because she used to buy me things that I didn’t even want, that I didn’t feel comfortable with, and harassed me for not using them. When I did use them, she would use it against me and degrade me and call me names. When I open up to her and tell her how I feel and what I believe and how I want to live, she yells and tries to force me to only think what she thinks and feel what she feels. She criticizes me for not being more like my friends or my sister. She blames any problem she has on me. She blames all my sister’s health problems on me. Today, she said, “I’m just gonna start making you pay rent!” Which I offered to do when I first got a job when I turned 18 last year. As if it would bother me?
So I finally told her the truth. I told her the reason for me wanting to start living in a dorm for college this year was so I could get away from her. That she is one of the reasons my sister moved 8 hours away from home. That neither of us can stand her because she’s so negative all the time. Because she constantly tries to pit us against each other in order to make me look bad. Because of her denial of favoritism and her inability to love as a mother should. For her complete ignorance to what love actually is. To what support is. My dad just left to visit Rachel this morning and I already snapped. I don’t care if this all makes me a bad daughter because I’ve spent too long trying to be the best one only to have her treat me like garbage in return. Money doesn’t buy love, and neither do empty apologies. This is something she needs to learn, because she obviously doesn’t understand.